I’ve always wanted to have children. I wanted my own children. I wanted to get pregnant and experience everything good and bad that came with pregnancy. I wanted to find the love of my life and see how both of us came together and made this little person. I wanted the theoretical white picket fence and sleeping next to my husband. I wanted to hear the sounds of little feet walking to the room, waking me up, and asking to get into bed with me and my spouse because they had a bad dream or were afraid of monsters. I wanted that so badly.
I was twenty years old when I got engaged and I was with my now ex for about five years. During those five years we spent about three trying to get pregnant. Every month I would sit there with a test and pray that I was pregnant and every month I was negative. I did every natural conception thing I could think of because we couldn’t afford IVF. Even with IVF I will have problems conceiving and the likelihood I would carry to full term was small. This sent me into a really bad depression. I couldn’t understand why God or the universe thought me so unfit of a mother that it prevented me from having children. I would watch the news and read online all these horror stories of what children go through with unfit parents and I would cry when I was alone wondering why they could have children and were awful and I was filled with nothing but love and would never do those things. I constantly was sobbing out, “what is so horrible about me?” Because I felt like a failure. I felt like I was less than and completely unworthy. Even as a writer it is very hard to put the loss of self-worth into words. I sat there and thought to myself, “women were created to have children and I can’t even do what my body’s bare minimum should be capable of.” I completely understand and understood that these thoughts weren’t healthy and irrational on some level. But, at the end of the day it was how I felt and feelings are always valid–even if they are a little crazy.
I battled some depression and then a big part of me started to resent people around me who got pregnant. My friend was having no issue with getting pregnant–and she didn’t even want the pregnancies. So, it was a kick in the vagina every time this happened. It cut me down to the soul. But, I was there for her and all of her own medical issues because she had always been there for me. This was one of the hardest things I’ve had to work through. I had always pictured myself with at least two children and now I wasn’t going to have any.
I had issues with dating because it is something that is hard to bring up. I mean really, how do you tell someone that you can’t have kids? Is it first date? Third date? Six months? I mean when is it okay to tell them that you are broken in more ways than just your past. I never could find the right time to tell someone, so I would just blurt it out.
During the course of a few years I really turned this depression into a deep seeded anger towards children. I love my nieces and nephews, but I tried to compensate for my loss of not having children with this dislike of them. I would allow the things that I once found endearing to annoy me. I thought that if I could find a dislike of children that some how this hole in my heart would fill in and it would be okay. I could easily be a parent to an animal because I am not a person who is good with children. I would rationalize everything this way. Dogs are way better than kids. That was my personal mantra and I would repeat it to myself over and over again until a part of me started to believe it. But, there was the huge gap in my life and it wasn’t going away.
I had been dating off an on in spurts and I had gotten to the point in my life where I was okay with being single. It seemed that the universe had other plans for me and apparently not being able to have kids or find someone who would actually pick me and not just abandon ship three months into a relationship was my lot in life and I was forced to be okay with this. Really, if this is what my life was going to be there was no use in fighting against it. I can’t force someone to pick me. I’m not about to dig a well in my basement and trap some guy into it and lower a basket down while saying, “it puts the lotion on itself or it gets the hose.” So, I had to really change my thinking. I couldn’t be depressed all the time. Nothing good can come from wallowing in self misery. So, I changed.
I’ve worked in the alcohol and substance abuse industry for a few years now and there is this saying that I’ve always applied to my life: Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. I had to really change how I looked at my life. I could sit here and continue to allow myself to be filled with nothing but piss and vinegar or I could get my act together and take charge of my life. So, I took charge. This was a blessing in disguise. I am a woman that is filled with love. I am a mother to my friends and I’m the person that people call when there are problems. I am the fixer and yet I hadn’t been able to fix my own life. Funny how that works, right? Well, no more. I was determined to fix my own life and I had to start with my way of thinking.
This was a blessing and I needed to look at it like that. This wasn’t a blessing because I hate kids. This was a blessing because there are kids out there that need love and need someone who understands what it is like to be abandoned. Not that my parents abandoned me, but well … my real father wasn’t a great guy and that is a story all in itself. But, there are kids–older kids–who are in the foster system and they have a harder chance at having a forever home because they are not the ideal adoption. So many people want babies and to raise them on their own that these kids who are older than five don’t have a chance. So, this was the universe’s way of giving me a chance to change the world. I look at changing the world by changing someones life. You don’t have to make some huge difference to make a big difference in someone’s life. I can foster and adopt a child who is older. Hey, they even come potty trained! And I can start by changing their world and give them a loving home where they know they have a home forever and not just someone who is holding them until another house becomes available but someone who really loves them.
I found my purpose and I am doing everything to get to that point where I have my own place and I can open my doors and welcome in to my arms a child who needs all the love that I didn’t think I would be ever able to give.
